Loosening the Great Girdle: On Control

Let’s talk for a minute about control.

We have this one life. Just this one here on earth. The world tells us: make it count! Follow your heart! Achieve your dreams!

And yet so little of life is actually in our control. In fact, if you really chase this rabbit trail of thought, we can easily see how the fact that we are alive, breathing, thinking, rational creatures has very little to do with US. I could get in my car, drive down the road, and my life could literally all be over. (And good morning to YOU too!) When you look at life in this way, the fact that my lungs are filling with air, converting Carbon Dioxide into Oxygen and then releasing Carbon Dioxide into the atmosphere is truly miraculous!

So if I literally cannot control this life force that is within me, what can I control?

My response to life’s delights, hiccups, or tragedies.

This is not to say that we should live reactively or that we should not have some agency in our life’s direction. What I mean, instead, is what so many wise people have shared with me this year:

We are not responsible for the outcome, we are only responsible for our faithfulness to God’s call.

This is so freeing.  We don’t have to be afraid of failure or tragedy! Hardship will come no matter how meticulously we try to control our environment – great workers get fired; great husbands lose their wives; great athletes get injured; great nations experience famine; great artists fail to receive the recognition their work deserves.

Fear of these things cannot and should not stop us from living freely. Don’t expect an easy life – but expect a FULL life, trusting the Lord’s provision for us.  After all, this life is so fleeting - we have a better, fuller, freer, more glorious life waiting for us. There, according to Revelation 21:4, Jesus will wipe away every tear…

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

The Worm

The Worm

These people
their habits and manner
the way their words gently
but persistently
slide underneath my skin
sink into my chest
and chisel away at my heart.
Hands that move
to shape
shift
mould
create
change.
Eyes that see me
that patiently
steadfastly
love me despite.

I am uncomfortable
even angry.
I want to shout, to puke.
I want to run.

Mercy makes me ache.
I squirm and fidget
beneath the weight of it,
writhing
fighting
like an unearthed worm
dug up from the cold dirt,
brought into the irresistible sun.
Give me what I deserve,
I scream.

You listen and wait
with warm space
and tender eyes.
You are not afraid of me.

Definition

Lately, my heart and mind have been thinking on a few verses and song lyrics.

Specifically:

“I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom,
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection.”

As well as:

“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things – and the things that are not – to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God – that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: ‘Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.’” 1 Corinthians 1:27-31

And finally:

“Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant – not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” 2 Corinthians 3:5-6

I don’t have much to communicate about this apart from the fact that the Lord has been impressing upon me that I must absolutely have a firm grasp and understanding on what defines and identifies me.  It seems to me that I have two choices:

1. I can allow this world to define me.  I can choose to be identified by a successful (or unsuccessful) career. I can choose to be defined by my relationships (good or bad). I can choose to be identified by living up to a moral or ethical code. Or I can choose to be defined by how I measure up to those around me.

2. I can allow Christ and His work on the Cross to be my identity.

Really, those are the only two options we have in this life.  Neither option promises happiness, but option 2 provides so much more than happiness: it provides freedom.

So much of my mental energy is spent fretting over things because, if I am honest with myself, that is where I place my hope.  At the core of my being, I believe that if this one job would work out, if this one person would approve of me, if this one plan would come into fruition, or if this one situation would take a turn for the better, if this one family member were healthy, if I could perform better in this area of life, that somehow things would all fall into place.

That’s just a lie.  And living that way leaves us exhausted, disillusioned, and bitter. Or worse: numb.

But living out of our identity as a beloved child of God allows us to look at the world and our circumstances in a totally new way. Pressure’s off! Those things we fret and obsess over may affect our circumstances, but they cannot touch the core of our being, what defines us, or what we place our hope in. This does not mean we will always be “happy” – but it does provide us with the only sense of security, belonging, and worthiness that is lasting. I hope you are as encouraged by this as I am.

Les Miserables

Spoiler alert!

In this season of giving and receiving gifts, I thought it might be interesting to explore the idea of receiving God's gifts.  What better way to explore this than to look at the powerful redemption story in Les Miserables. (Go see it. Now.)

A brief summary: Valjean is the movie’s main character, a convict whose life is radically changed by a bishop who extends mercy to him and offers him freedom.  Javert is a police officer who has tirelessly pursued Valjean after Valjean escaped his parole.  When Valjean has the opportunity to murder Javert, ending the hunt forever, Valjean instead extends Javert grace and allows him to escape.  This is the exchange:

Javert:

Yes, Valjean, you want a deal!

Shoot me now for all I care -

If you let me go, beware!

You’ll still answer to Javert!

Valjean:

You are wrong, and always have been wrong.

I’m a man no worse than any man.

You are free, and there are no conditions -

No bargains or petitions.

There’s nothing that I blame you for.

You’ve done your duty, nothing more.

Javert, however, finds this free gift of his freedom to be unbearable.  He is unable to swallow mercy in his world of the law.  Javert commits suicide, singing:

Who is this man?

What sort of devil is he?

To have caught me in a trap

And choose to let me go free?

It was his hour at last

To put a seal on my fate

Wipe out the past

And wash me clean off the slate!....

I am the law and the law is not mocked!

I’ll spit his pity right back in his face!

There is nothing on earth that we share!

It is either Valjean or Javert!

How can I allow this man

To hold dominion over me?

This desperate man that I have hunted...

He gave me my life! He gave me freedom!...

And must I now begin to doubt

Who never doubted all those years?

My heart is stone and still it trembles...

The world I have known is lost in shadow

Is he from heaven or from hell?

You can imagine that Javert’s is a powerful story to watch unravel – how complex and interesting is this character? The audience watches as he tirelessly hunts for Valjean for years; he is the villain we love to hate. Javert states himself that his heart is hard and cold – a life spent abiding perfectly and carefully by the law would naturally cause Javert’s heart to die. He becomes exactly what C.S. Lewis describes:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” – The Four Loves

I realized as I sobbed through this movie that I was so touched by his story because I am Javert. I am a law-abiding citizen who wants my rules and my check-lists and my black-and-white formulas because they give me a sense of assurance that I am worthy.  I cringe at the idea of mercy because mercy is messy and grey and I don’t deserve it.  I don’t want to receive God’s free gifts because that means that I have to swallow my pride and admit that I am absolutely in need of redemption. And I definitely don’t want to be needy.

Keller describes Victor Hugo’s Les Miserable in his book, The Reason for God.

“Valjean chooses to let grace have its way with him.  He gives up his deep self-pity and bitterness and begins to live a life of graciousness toward others.  He is changed at the root of his being.
The other main character in the novel is the police officer Javert, who has built his entire life on his understanding of rewards and punishments.  He relentlessly and self-righteously pursues Valjean throughout the book, even though it is wrecking his own life.  … [Valjean’s radical act of grace] is deeply troublesome to Javert.  He realizes that to appropriately respond to this gesture will require a complete change in his worldview.  Rather than make that change, he throws himself into the Seine” (184-5).

Opposingly, Keller quotes Victor Hugo to describe Valjean’s response to grace:

“To this celestial kindness [of the bishop] he opposed pride, which is the fortress of evil within us.  He was distinctly conscious that the pardon of this priest was the greatest assault and the most formidable attack which had moved him yet…. That if he yielded, he should be obliged to renounce that hatred with which the actions of other men had filled his soul through so many years, and which pleased him; that this time it was necessary to conquer or to be conquered; and that a struggle, a colossal and final struggle, had been begun between his viciousness and the goodness of that man” (184).

It is Javert’s pride that prevents him from accept Valjean’s gift. How often do I refuse God’s free gifts of love and grace because I won't lay down my pride and attitude of self-sufficiency?  How often do I isolate myself in a tower of self-righteousness to remove myself from the messiness of reality? But what does this posture leave me and Javert with? Hearts of stone with walls miles high so that nothing complex or grey (like mercy) can penetrate our world of “the law.”

Our God is a God who keeps his promises. In my last blog entry, I quoted Matthew 9:13:

“On hearing this, Jesus said, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.’ ”

I desire mercy, not sacrifice.

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart

you, God, will not despise.”

Psalm 51:16-17

Head Lice

I had a very recent, very real encounter with head lice.

A couple of things about lice:

It’s not a particularly fun thing to have. Apart from the itchy scalp, costly treatment, and having to do an overhaul of your home, you are morally obligated to call everyone that you have hugged in the past week to let them know that they might have lice. And, if they do have lice, it is, in fact, because of you. You can imagine that some of these conversations are a bit uncomfortable and others downright hysterical.

Apart from the humor, I learned quite a bit about sin and about how Christ’s work on the Cross really does extend to the ugliest parts of us.

Lice, like my sin, contaminates every part of my life. My home, my work, my social life, the way I interact with others, the way I look, the way I feel, the car that I drive, the bed I sleep in, the clothes I wear, my habits, my thought patterns, my mood. Everything. But more than that, the repercussions of lice are not limited to my own scalp and self. Rather, everyone that I come into contact with is affected by my infestation.  What an interesting and graphic picture this paints of the way my sin worms its way into the lives of others and hurts them as well.

My experience with head lice was particularly ill-timed. One of my best friends from college, a friend I will refer to as Helga in order to protect her identity (I’ve always wanted to do that!), had just arrived to visit from out of town.  How miserable for her?! She had driven a considerable distance to spend the weekend with me only to sit with me during a lice treatment, examine the nits combed from my scalp, watch me awkwardly vacuum my car, and laugh as I frantically shoved bedding and pillows into the drier.  Helga insisted on staying with me, laughing (somewhat nervously) at the risk of her own infestation.  She ate bad Chinese food with me and baked an apple pie. And she did all of this with a smile, demanding that I also be cheerful and enjoy myself.

I was so shocked and undone by Helga’s grace. The truth is, if faced with that same situation, I would have much preferred to stay in my sterile, squeaky clean, lice-free bubble.  I would have bought my friend some new hair clips and peaced out faster than you could say "Rid."  But Helga did not respond that way.  Instead, she shoved her way into my louse-y scalp and bad mood.  She put her squeaky-clean hair at risk in order to love me.  In a very tangible way, Helga showed me Jesus.

So often, I expect Jesus to respond to my sin (or lice) the way that I would respond: to be completely disgusted by it.  To refuse to work into it. To look at my brokenness and to run like mad. But that just is not biblical.  Over and over, Scripture tells us that Jesus did not run from the broken, the unclean, the social outcasts, the ugly.  Far from running from them, He touched them lovingly, offering them healing and hope.

Matthew 9:10-13 reports:

“While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, ‘Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?’ On hearing this, Jesus said, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.’ ”

Jesus did not come for the sterile and tidy.  He came for the busted up, the damaged goods, the messy, the lepers, and the lice-ridden.  He came to work in sinners so that He could take the weak and the ugly and turn them into something beautiful and useful to Himself. He does this so that people will see how great, compassionate, powerful, good, and loving our Father is…

“ ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9



(Also, I highly recommend Pediatric Haircare Solutions for all of your de-lousing needs.)

Snippets

So the nature of the Fellows Program is that our schedules are pretty tightly packed! This has proved to be a huge blessing in many ways, but unfortunately this week has not afforded extra time to write a blog entry. HOWEVER, I very much wanted to be committed to a somewhat weekly posting... mostly to prove to my parents that I wouldn’t forget about the blog …. As I have done before…:).

This week, instead of writing a completely new blog entry, I am posting two snippets of a 7-page paper due Monday for our seminary course.  The assignment was to write a reflection about how our devotional readings this semester transformed our walks with the Lord. Our readings were J.I. Packer’s Knowing God, A.W. Tozer’s The Pursuit of God, and O. Hallesby’s Prayer. I also read Brother Lawrence’s The Practice of  the Presence of God to fulfill a Puritan requirement (come to find out that Brother Lawrence was not, in fact, a Puritan… oops). These books were unbelievable – particularly the Tozer. Check them out - I've provided links for the ones available online.

Anyway! Here are a couple of passages. Have a fantastic week and drink some Eggnog for me!

The Snippets:

… From these books, I have gained a more thorough understanding of who I am because of Christ’s work on the cross and God’s great love for me. Essentially, I understand that I am indeed dust, that God knows that I am dust, but that He sought me and loved me first despite my weakness.  He graciously chose me and invited me into His family. As a result, my life should be one of gratitude to my Lord and Savior.  No Christian author has a better understanding of this than Brother Lawrence in his work, The Practice of the Presence of God.  As evidenced by his letters, Lawrence clearly had a firm grasp on the truth that he was loved by God.  His life was simply a response to the love that he received. The way that Lawrence portrays this affection is through focusing all of His attention and affections on his Father.  This humble attitude is most beautifully portrayed in this passage:

“I consider myself as the most wretched of men, full of sores and corruption, and who has committed all sorts of crimes against his King; touched with a sensible regret I confess to Him all my wickedness, I ask His forgiveness, I abandon myself in His hands, that He may do what He pleases with me.  This King, full of mercy and goodness, very far from chastising me, embraces me with love, makes me eat at His table, serves me with His own hands, gives me the key of His treasures; He converses and delights Himself with me incessantly, in a thousand and a thousand ways, and treats me in all respects as His favourite.  It is thus I consider myself from time to time in His holy presence” (Lawrence 17). 

Lawrence does not expect any more from himself than to be a wicked sinner; instead, he fully understands that he is undeserving of grace or love.  However, he does not dwell on his own unworthiness.  Instead, he lays his sinful nature at God’s feet and receives the free gift of grace and love from his Father….

.... In short, this course has helped me understand God’s response to Job’s questioning.  God responds with “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand” (Job 38:4).  I had always felt a bit frustrated and undone by this passage.  In truth, I felt that Job had every right to know why God would allow such tragedy and heartache to occur in the life of such a faithful man.  However, this course has opened my eyes to understand that Job and I are not entitled to know or understand God’s ways.  Instead, we are called to receive God’s free gift of grace and lead faithful lives of humble surrender to our heavenly Father….

Works Cited

Hallesby, Ole. Prayer. Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress, 1994. Print.

Lawrence, Brother. The Practice of the Presence of God: The Best Rule of the Holy Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Christian Classics Ethereal Library, 1666. eBook.   <http://www.ccel.org/ccel/lawrence/practice.pdf>.

Packer, J.I. Knowing God. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1973. Print.

Tozer, A.W. The Pursuit of God: The Human Thirst for the Divine. Legacy Edition. Camp Hill,   PA: Christian Publications, Inc., 1982. Print.

Gobble, gobble, gobble...

Two weeks ago, a very wise woman encouraged me to take a break from thinking and just rest. I decided to rest craft. I saw a Thanksgiving turkey on Pinterest made out of a toilet paper roll and construction paper.

Done:

After I made my turkey, I could not stop looking at him. I made tea so that I had an excuse to walk past my turkey. I texted pictures of my turkey to friends and family. I folded my laundry in the kitchen so that I could admire my turkey. I am even writing a blog entry about my turkey.

I took a step back to evaluate this situation when I realized that my affections for this turkey might be somewhat unfounded. After all, it was nothing more than a fake turkey made from recycled bathroom material, paste, and some construction paper. Glue was dripping from its crooked beak. One of the black spots in its googly eyes was stuck so it looked like it had a lazy eye. Its left foot was twice the size of its right foot.

This paper turkey had done nothing to earn my affections. It had very little intrinsic value. In and of itself, it was a pretty useless turkey. But I had made this turkey and I loved it for no other reason apart from the fact that it was mine.

And that is when it hit me. That is how the Lord feels about me – how He feels about us.  When He looks at His children, He delights in us because we are His and He made us – not because we have done anything to earn His love.

This realization was tremendous.  I fear that in “pursuing” God, I can very easily slip into academic or achievement mode. I want to read everything; I want to poll everyone else’s faith, experiences, and opinions; I want formulas and sure-fire methods; I want to gather as much information as possible; I want to have the best relationship with God. Ever.

You can see, then, that without this foundational understanding of God’s love for me first, just as I am, this whole thing becomes about ME, my efforts, and ultimately my failures. But I am, in fact, not at all the point.

In Tim Keller’s book, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, Keller describes how our identity is founded not in our performance, but entirely in the truth that Christ died for us and now we are blameless and beloved in God’s sight. The book is a real game-changer and will take you about 15 minutes to read (I recommend it to anyone and everyone), but here is one golden passage:

“In Christianity, the moment we believe, God says ‘This is my beloved son in whom I am well-pleased.’ [“See Matthew 3:17”] Or take Romans 8:1 which says ‘Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus’. In Christianity, the moment we believe, God imputes Christ’s perfect performance to us as if it were our own, and adopts us into His family. In other words, God can say to us just as He once said to Christ, ‘You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.’ [“Mark 1:11”]” (39-40)

In her book, The Jesus Storybook Bible, Sally Lloyd-Jones describes God’s love for us in simple, soothing poetry:

“I can’t stop loving you.

You are my heart’s treasure.

But I lost you.

Now I am coming back for you.

I am like the sun that gently shines on you,

Chasing away darkness and fear and death.

You’ll be so happy –

You’ll be like little calves running free

In an open field.

I am going to send my Messenger – The Promised One.

The One you have been waiting for.

The Rescuer.”  (174)

How incredible and beautiful and freeing is that?! I am already His. He already loves and pursues me. I can’t earn or achieve His affections.

He loves me despite my crooked beak and lazy eye.


Keller, Timothy. The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness. Chorley, UK: 10Publishing, 2012. Print.

Lloyd-Jones, Sally. The Jesus Storybook Bible. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2007. Print.